Am I really this horrible?

Names and places have been changed for privacy.

If there was at any time I was ever being such a huge prick that it was either driving someone to suicide or to murder, I really wish someone would let me know. One would think that they could tell if they were the one responsible for someone’s misery and try to change, but it can be very hard when you’ve never met that person face-to-face.

Being a child of the TGIF-era, I pretty much grew up on the Internet. Ever since 1996, my family has either had AOL or some other Internet Service Provider. It has always been a way for me to connect with people around the country, and around the world, as well. Through the various communities and message boards I’m a part of, I’ve built many great friendships. While I have also rubbed against a few people the wrong way, I never really thought much about that since it was only online. I figured that I would never run the chance of having a chance encounter with someone, and they’d yell at me or punch me in the gut. It really just wasn’t something that crossed my mind.

During my sophomore year of high school, I started frequenting a site called Suburban Senshi. It was a work of fiction, written by a fan of the old Japanese cartoon “Sailor Moon”, detailing the trials and everyday tribulations of a select few characters from that series, in the form of logs from a form of internet communication called Internet Relay Chat. Being a fan of the old show, I bookmarked the site and would continue to stop by, leaving comments on certain entries and making friends with other fans. Over the years, Suburban Senshi evolved, and the fans would soon have a place to hang out, interact and “role-play”, affectionately known as the “chatbox.”

The introduction of the chatbox seemed to expand and constrict our little community at the same time. Various characters and ideas started to come into place, with some becoming prominent and others staying in the background. One that comes to mind is [Peta London]. She was a character who, in my eyes and in the eyes of some others, seemed to seek attention. [Peta] would either be flirting with everything that had a heartbeat, to giving spontaneous hugs, to just losing her clothes. Sure, it was funny the first three times, but afterward people just started finding it annoying and began to ignore her. I was one of them, not being too fond of my in-character personality being nearly molested on an almost daily basis.

In about a week or so, [Peta] began gaining attention in other, less ‘legal’ ways. She began to mess with the other characters by God-moding, or forcing changes on other chatters. The majority of the time, the changes were unwanted, with another character of mine being inflated like a balloon to ungodly girth, and various others being forced to lose their clothing. It seemed like no one was doing a thing about it, though, and this angered me. I took matters into my own hands, and things went downhill very fast. Towards the end of the ordeal, I apparently had [Peta]’s player, Pete, in tears, and one other person had threatened to kill me. Because of my actions, though, changes were made, although not necessarily for the best.

Fast-forward a few years later. Recently, [Peta] had been getting into trouble a bit more, causing much friction among the denizens of the chatbox. Over the years, when things weren’t going [Pete]’s way, he’d run off and threaten suicide, only to return a half-hour later, cheery and bright. While this was unusual, nobody really thought it was a huge problem. It was something we’d gotten used to, although the threats of suicide were becoming wearisome.

After breaking a rule on multiple occasions, [Pete] was banned from the chatbox. About sixteen days later, he was back, but things only continued to go downhill. About a month after his first ban, news broke that he was permanently banned from the chatbox. In a message sent over AOL Instant Messenger, [Pete] repeatedly said that he wished to kill everyone in the chatbox. Somehow, this didn’t worry me. That is, until one night, while talking to a friend of mine. I’d asked her where [Pete] lived, and she had mentioned that it was [Iowa].

My heart skipped a beat.

In all my time, I never thought I’d feel the way I felt about the way I’d treated someone. I’d brought someone to dark places in their hearts not once, but twice now. Granted, I wasn’t the only cause, nor was I the main cause. But part of me wishes I’d have toned my own aggression and bad attitude down. Maybe things would be different. Maybe I wouldn’t feel like such a prick.